on the sunday scaries.

I read somewhere that the Sunday scaries are a necessary part of life - in that they remind us that something is not right. 

And there I paused and thought: how true. 

The funny thing about pain is that it tells us that something hurts. Something is not right. Something needs to be stopped, or stemmed, or changed. We just often don’t listen until that pain has become unbearable. We don't change things unless they really, really REALLY hurt. Which is a strange thing to do - or not do - given that we're only here once. We're only right here, right now, just once. 

Even that moment is gone now. 

When I was suffering through a round of push-ups, our trainer told us that a study showed that people who are medicated for real health-curing reasons only ever take their meds about half of the time. We rarely do the things that are good for us. I don’t take my probiotics daily, and I still eat empty carbs. I sit for eight hours a day and rarely get up for lunch or even to walk around. I spend hours watching YouTube videos because it’s easier than… what? Than confronting the fact that something is not right. That there is something healthier, better for me that I am meant to find that might just take a teensy bit more effort in the searching. 

I have a list of things to do on Sundays that I keep in my journal as a reminder of what to do when the scaries swamp me. When 2pm rolls around and my anxiety starts crawling up to the peak that it gets at around 6pm. The anxiety that reminds me that while hot tea and a warm bath and a stretchy class, or maybe a walk, or a glass of red wine with a dash of self love are amazing things… that they are merely a holding pattern to keep those scaries at bay.

I do not want to stop having these feelings - they remind me that something is not right. 

How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” 
― Charles Bukowski